Jack & Alice, by Jane Austen?

 

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Jack & Alice, by Jane Austen? 

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"Dedication 

"Jack and Alice 

"A Novel Is respectfully inscribed to Francis William Austen Esq. 

"Midshipman on board His Majesty's Ship The Perseverance 

"By his obedient humble servant 

"The Author

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Austen continues being amusing, from chuckling to hilarious. 

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"Mr. and Mrs. Jones were both rather tall and very passionate, but were in other respects good tempered, well-behaved people. Charles Adams was an amiable, accomplished, and bewitching young man; of so dazzling a beauty that none but eagles could look him in the face. 

"Miss Simpson was pleasing in her person, in her manners, and in her disposition; an unbounded ambition was her only fault. Her second sister Sukey was envious, spiteful, and malicious. Her person was short, fat and disagreeable. Cecilia (the youngest) was perfectly handsome, but too affected to be pleasing. 

"In Lady Williams every virtue met. She was a widow with a handsome Jointure and the remains of a very handsome face. Tho' benevolent and candid, she was generous and sincere; tho' pious and good, she was religious and amiable, and tho elegant and agreeable, she was polished and entertaining. 

"The Johnsons were a family of love, and though a little addicted to the bottle and the dice, had many good qualities. 

"Such was the party assembled in the elegant drawing room of Johnson Court, amongst which the pleasing figure of a sultana was the most remarkable of the female masks. Of the males, a mask representing the sun was the most universally admired. The beams that darted from his eyes were like those of that glorious luminary, tho' infinitely superior. So strong were they that no one dared venture within half a mile of them; he had therefore the best part of the room to himself, its size not amounting to more than three quarters of a mile in length and half a one in breadth. The gentleman at last finding the fierceness of his beams to be very inconvenient to the concourse, by obliging them to crowd together in one corner of the room, half shut his eyes, by which means the company discovered him to be Charles Adams in his plain green coat, without any mask at all."

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"For three months did the masquerade afford ample subject for conversation to the inhabitants of Pammydiddle; but no character at it was so fully expatiated on as Charles Adams. The singularity of his appearance, the beams which darted from his eyes, the brightness of his wit, and the whole tout ensemble of his person had subdued the hearts of so many of the young ladies, that of the six present at the masquerade but five had returned uncaptivated. Alice Johnson was the unhappy sixth whose heart had not been able to withstand the power of his charms. But as it may appear strange to my readers, that so much worth and excellence as he possessed should have conquered only hers, it will be necessary to inform them that the Miss Simpsons were defended from his power by ambition, envy, and self-admiration. 

"Every wish of Caroline was centred in a titled husband; whilst in Sukey such superior excellence could only raise her envy not her love, and Cecilia was too tenderly attached to herself to be pleased with anyone besides. ... "

"One evening, Alice finding herself somewhat heated by wine (no very uncommon case) determined to seek a relief for her disordered head and love-sick heart in the conversation of the intelligent Lady Williams. 

"She found her ladyship at home, as was in general the case, for she was not fond of going out, and like the great Sir Charles Grandison scorned to deny herself when at home, as she looked on that fashionable method of shutting out disagreeable visitors, as little less than downright bigamy."

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" ... Preserve yourself from a first love and you need not fear a second.""

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"“For” (said she) “he has often and often declared to me that his wife, whoever she might be, must possess youth, beauty, birth, wit, merit, and money. I have many a time” (she continued) “endeavoured to reason him out of his resolution and to convince him of the improbability of his ever meeting with such a lady; but my arguments have had no effect, and he continues as firm in his determination as ever.” You may imagine, Ladies, my distress on hearing this; for I was fearful that tho' possessed of youth, beauty, wit and merit, and tho' the probable heiress of my aunt's house and business, he might think me deficient in rank, and in being so, unworthy of his hand." 

""However I was determined to make a bold push and therefore wrote him a very kind letter, offering him with great tenderness my hand and heart. To this I received an angry and peremptory refusal, but thinking it might be rather the effect of his modesty than anything else, I pressed him again on the subject. But he never answered any more of my letters and very soon afterwards left the country. As soon as I heard of his departure, I wrote to him here, informing him that I should shortly do myself the honour of waiting on him at Pammydiddle, to which I received no answer; therefore, choosing to take silence for consent, I left Wales, unknown to my aunt, and arrived here after a tedious journey this morning. On enquiring for his house, I was directed thro' this wood, to the one you there see. With a heart elated by the expected happiness of beholding him, I entered it, and had proceeded thus far in my progress thro' it, when I found myself suddenly seized by the leg and on examining the cause of it, found that I was caught in one of the steel traps so common in gentlemen's grounds." 

""Ah!” cried Lady Williams, “how fortunate we are to meet with you; since we might otherwise perhaps have shared the like misfortune —" 

""It is indeed happy for you, Ladies, that I should have been a short time before you. I screamed, as you may easily imagine, till the woods resounded again and till one of the inhuman wretch's servants came to my assistance and released me from my dreadful prison, but not before one of my legs was entirely broken.""

"Lady Williams now interposed, and observed that the young lady's leg ought to be set without farther delay. After examining the fracture, therefore, she immediately began and performed the operation with great skill, which was the more wonderful on account of her having never performed such a one before. Lucy then arose from the ground, and finding that she could walk with the greatest ease, accompanied them to Lady Williams's house at her ladyship's particular request."

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"It may now be proper to return to the hero of this novel, the brother of Alice, of whom I believe I have scarcely ever had occasion to speak; which may perhaps be partly owing to his unfortunate propensity to liquor, which so completely deprived him of the use of those faculties nature had endowed him with, that he never did anything worth mentioning. His death happened a short time after Lucy's departure and was the natural consequence of this pernicious practice. By his decease, his sister became the sole inheritress of a very large fortune, which as it gave her fresh hopes of rendering herself acceptable as a wife to Charles Adams, could not fail of being most pleasing to her — and as the effect was joyful, the cause could scarcely be lamented."

""Sir, I may perhaps be expected to appear pleased at and grateful for the offer you have made me: but let me tell you that I consider it as an affront. I look upon myself to be, Sir, a perfect beauty — where would you see a finer figure or a more charming face. Then, Sir, I imagine my manners and address to be of the most polished kind; there is a certain elegance, a peculiar sweetness in them that I never saw equalled and cannot describe. Partiality aside, I am certainly more accomplished in every language, every science, every art and everything than any other person in Europe. My temper is even, my virtues innumerable, myself unparalleled. Since such, Sir, is my character, what do you mean by wishing me to marry your daughter? Let me give you a short sketch of yourself and of her. I look upon you, Sir, to be a very good sort of man in the main; a drunken old dog to be sure, but that's nothing to me. Your daughter Sir, is neither sufficiently beautiful, sufficiently amiable, sufficiently witty, nor sufficiently rich for me. — I expect nothing more in my wife than my wife will find in me — perfection. These, Sir, are my sentiments and I honour myself for having such. One friend I have, and glory in having but one. She is at present preparing my dinner, but if you choose to see her, she shall come and she will inform you that these have ever been my sentiments." 

"Mr. Johnson was satisfied: and expressing himself to be much obliged to Mr. Adams for the characters he had favoured him with of himself and his daughter, took his leave. 

"The unfortunate Alice, on receiving from her father the sad account of the ill success his visit had been attended with, could scarcely support the disappointment. — She flew to her bottle and it was soon forgot."

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"What might have been the effect of her ladyship's advice, had it ever been received by Lucy, is uncertain, as it reached Bath a few hours after she had breathed her last. She fell a sacrifice to the envy and malice of Sukey, who jealous of her superior charms, took her by poison from an admiring world at the age of seventeen."

"His Grace's affliction may likewise be easily accounted for, since he lost one for whom he had experienced, during the last ten days, a tender affection and sincere regard. He mourned her loss with unshaken constancy for the next fortnight, at the end of which time, he gratified the ambition of Caroline Simpson by raising her to the rank of a duchess. ... —The beautiful but affected Cecilia was too sensible of her own superior charms, not to imagine that if Caroline could engage a duke, she might without censure aspire to the affections of some prince — and knowing that those of her native country were chiefly engaged, she left England and I have since heard is at present the favourite Sultana of the great Mogul. — 

"In the meantime, the inhabitants of Pammydiddle were in a state of the greatest astonishment and wonder, a report being circulated of the intended marriage of Charles Adams. The Lady's name was still a secret. Mr. and Mrs. Jones imagined it to be Miss Johnson; but she knew better; all her fears were centred in his cook, when to the astonishment of everyone, he was publicly united to Lady Williams —."

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August 17, 2021 - August  18, 2021. 

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